I remember a post not so long ago when I talked about these cycles in my life and the way I behave during these times. I tend to fly off the handle at the smallest thing sometimes or I speak my mind when I usually would not do so. One might contribute this to being Bipolar or Schizophrenic but I don’t see it that way. (Maybe Schizophrenics don’t either). I see these cycles that I go through and I almost unable to stop myself when in the middle of one. I know this is growing toward further enlightenment and that lessons are being learned at the same time I am being given things I have asked the Universe for. Read my “Cycles” post here. As I re-read that post, written much longer ago than I thought, I realized that I am still kinda in the same place. Sure, cycles have come and gone, but I feel like I am dealing with the same situation again.
Anyway, long story short I told my boss, “F— you!” after I had been listening to his mouth for far too long. I truly didn’t care if I got fired, but somewhere inside myself I knew I wouldn’t be fired. All the more reason to think that maybe I am not done at that pharmacy. We had been arguing quite a bit that day, my boss and I, which I am apt to do from time to time. He accused me of being a liar and I went off. I may lie to myself every now and again but I have made a great effort to not lie to people. I used to lie all the time and I have learned and earned so much by telling the truth that I almost can’t help myself these days. So when the boss accuses me of lying, I take great offense to this. I suppose I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but he will spread his stories all over the pharmacy when I am not there so I want to make sure my “F— you” got well documented in the tale.
It was really quite refreshing although it was hard to sit back and enjoy this right away because with my tirade came more tirades. I was on a roll. I literally seeked out others to whom I had some things to say. I wanted to make sure the hard-to-swallow truth came out while I still had the balls. This was an emotional time and I definitely was keeping to myself as much as I could. I felt change coming over me, but per the usual I am not yet sure what this change has amounted to. I have been feeling myself travelling back in time in my dreams and reliving past relationships. Note to anyone thinking about digging up any bones – they are still there where you put them for a reason. Maybe I needed to make sure of this, and I am glad I did. If you happen to be reading this, thank you!
I was having heart palpitations and was near panic mode just a week or so ago and now I feel myself starting to climb out. My heart beats normal again and I am not panicky anymore. Interestingly enough my boss has starting treating me more like I wanted him to. It seems that saying what I said may have changed the way he thought he could treat me. Maybe he has more respect for me or is waiting to get me good one of these days, but until then I will continue being a Pharmacy Tech until Source thinks it is time for a change. Maybe it is I who will have to decide.
In spirit animal news, I opened the capsule for the drive thru at the pharmacy and a grasshopper jumped right out at me. I was speechless for a minute, but I took this as a good sign. I feel like I have been through Hell, but here is this grasshopper encouraging me to continue forward. I have also been noticing a lot of locusts lately, albeit they have all been dead so far. I read something a while back when researching about the GH as a spirit animal. I remember someone mentioning when the GH had been starved and was needing nourishment it would turn into a locust. I am not sure if this is true or not but seeing locusts might mean I am needing a change, without which might make me feel malnourished. I totally agree with this and identified with it when I saw a locust the other night, dead on my steps. See my “What is Your Spirit Animal” post here.
I have missed everyone. Please rest assured that I am alive and they haven’t locked me up in a padded room just yet.